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Friday, February 28, 2014

"Encylcopedia of Dope" entry: Huge Awkward Institute of Reindeer (HAIR)

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"That's Donner. Of all [the reindeer], he may be the cruelest, and definitely the most conniving..." -Pinocchio

The Huge Awkward Institute of Reindeer was a group of eight evil reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.

Santa Claus spent the last years of his life planning an attack on the Inter-Dimensional Institution for Outrageous Treks Headquarters. Sometime after he stopped delivering presents to the world's children, he ordered HAIR to find Pinocchio and bring him back to the North Pole for reverse engineering and to study his magical properties.

On Christmas Eve, 2011, Santa's plot to destroy IDIOT was foiled by five Questers and a monster named Bumble. They killed Santa and destroyed his magical toy-making factory, but HAIR survived. Being Santa's most loyal servants, they continued where he left off and spent the following year preparing for the attack. Using their knowledge of magic they had acquired from studying Pinocchio, they started building an army of giant toy soldiers.

In 2012, they kidnapped Piscientum and "killed" him by smacking him against a steel table. His gruesome "death" was recorded on video to demonstrate their ruthless supremacy and their hatred for IDIOT. The recording was interrupted, however, when Pinocchio escaped captivity and tried to stop HAIR in their tracks. While he failed to hinder their progress, he managed to escape the North Pole with the video before they could broadcast it.

On Christmas Eve, 2012, HAIR assassinated Sybald Lottington with a gift-wrapped explosive. While S. Lottington was an IDIOT special agent, they had actually been targeting the Questers who had killed Santa the previous year. The Questers were sitting in the same room with S. Lottington in the basement below Lottington Casino when the bomb went off, but none of them were harmed. A few minutes later Vixen and Blitzen broke into the Casino and attacked the Questers, but both reindeer were killed very shortly.

After the attack, the Questers split into two teams. One team, along with Clementine Lottington and Pinnochio, traveled to the North Pole and killed Comet, Cupid and Dasher inside a factory that was manufacturing toy soldiers.

C. Lottington delivers a powerful kick that ultimately sends Dasher into the incinerator.

Meanwhile Dancer, Prancer, Donner and an army of giant toy soldiers infiltrated IDIOT Headquarters via a portal using Piscientum's Portable Intra-Dimensional Entanglement Swapper. Phoebus Lottington, Bumble and the other team traveled to IDIOT killed Dancer and Prancer by throwing explosive barrels down an elevator shaft. Finally, the other team used Santa's sleigh to fly all the way from the North Pole to IDIOT Headquarters (located in the South Pole). They crashed through the glass ceiling of the foyer and landed on top of Donner. C. Lottington shot him pointblank with a shotgun, killing him. And thus all eight members of HAIR were killed within a few hours.

Rudolph is one of Santa's nine reindeer and the youngest, though it is presumed that he was never associated with HAIR. He currently resides in the North Pole, where he is very busy meticulously and singlehandedly restoring Christmas to its former glory.

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